Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Housewives' Knees

"Housewives’ Knees” is something I need to get off my chest.  Actually, I really need to get it off my knees, but anyhow…..

If you have this condition, I’m sorry.  It seems this can be part of the post-childbearing body alteration that makes you jump with fright as you inadvertently pass a mirror. Amidst the varicose and spider veins that have multiplied like fruit flies on your legs, somehow your knees look like you haven’t showered in 3 years due to the brown knobby patches on them.

To assess the situation, you head to your nurse practitioner for a routine check-up.  As you sit down, you mention to her that even though you’ve scrubbed your knees raw, you can’t get rid of these persistent brown patches.  “Mmmm”, she says, evaluating, “Hyper-pigmentation from repeated activity on your knees”.

I’m sorry, what?  That’s pretty offensive.

What’s even more offensive is what you learn from Google.  This condition is also known as “Housewives’ Knees”. 

Nice.  Exactly what I was going for when I graduated college.

But really though, how DID this happen?  The fog temporarily clears, and it occurs to you:  from changing diapers on the floor for 6 years straight.  The freaking diapers. 

You know the changing tables have been retired to laundry holders.  I mean, if you actually used one to change a baby, you know you could lose that baby in no time off such changing table with what goes on behind you at the hands of “The Brothers”. 

So your nurse practitioner tells you to wear knee pads. 

Ok, you say. 

Seriously?  Knee pads?!   

In the time you’d be jamming your calf through one, someone would be feeding someone else the Oxiclean.  A story for another day.

2 comments:

  1. Writing is your new outlet, reading your blog is mine! So nice to know there are other mothers out there on this roller coaster of raising our children. Keep the stories coming!

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  2. I'm gonna pee my pants. I have some battle wounds but thats priceless. Got anything on national geographic boobies? Can't wait to read more xo...

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